What is wrong with my life right now? It’s totally screwed. Nothing seems to go right. Nothing. My camp life is fucked up, my relationship is fucked up, my friendships are fucked up, and even my health is fucked up.
Am I hanging onto my past too tightly?
During my secondary school days, I was a perfect, a top basketball team player, good grades, girls asking for my number, great family financial background. Everyone in the school heard of me before. Magic is an illusion. And those days were magical.
Everything went downhill once folliculitis hit me. My life change drastically. It later spread to my skin, basically everywhere. This started when my “o” levels ended. And ever since, I was being mocked at, ridiculed at, people looked at me as if I was a creature. I grew from an outgoing, sporty person to an introvert who locked myself in my room almost everyday. This continues even after my poly started. It should be a new phrase of my life, but it was really hard to step out of my comfort zone, which was my room. I was afraid to see people. Afraid of harsh remarks. Afraid of being made fun of. I just cant accept the fact that I can turn from Mr. popular to a person whom people despised, just because of an illness.
I had been through hell for 5 years. Being laughed at, being spitted on my face, getting weird stares, being made fun of. I have lost all my self-esteem. I don’t even wish to go into details. I might even go into a depression state if I am to recall back those incidents again.
I was recently diagnosed with caecal diverticulitis and the treatment given was an open appendix surgery. The first few hours after the surgery were a torture. After which, I felt better, but still unable to walk. And two days after, I was discharged and allowed to go home. But I still have trouble walking. The pain is immense when my stomach muscles pull.
The next morning, out of the blues, I received a call from Dr Daniel Chor, TTSH. What came next hit me so hard that my thoughts went bare. He said, my appendix wasn’t the cause of my pain, but they still removed it anyway, hence I won’t have any appendix pain in the future, which is good. However, what was infected was my large intestine. And they deemed that it was too risky to be operated at that point of time. Dr Daniel continued and gave me an appointment 3 weeks after the removal of my stitches. If by then, I am in a condition well enough for an operation, they will proceed. I didn’t register anything that he said after. The moment the phone clicked and went dead. I felt my whole life shattering down like a piece of broken glass. I was lost, I felt like a helpless child who had just turned into an orphan.
I had been acting like a lunatic for the past few days, screaming at the top of my lungs, draining every single drop of my tears, punching walls as if they were made of cotton. I am stressed, very very very stressed. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am stressed over my health, jiawei – cheeseng’s incident, etc.
Jiawei is a great friend of my girlfriend. Cheeseng was a great friend of mine. Cheeseng met jiawei out of pure coincidence. He had a crush on her. Jiawei doesn’t know how to handle such situations, and seek help from my girlfriend. My girlfriend forbids me to tell Cheeseng anything regarding Jiawei. Cheeseng on the other hand, had no means to knowing more about her, so he had to fish out information through me. I was being sandwiched inbetween the two of them. I tried my best to please both parties. I have lied, drop all my pride, find all means to get the answers they wanted, etc. Do you know the amount of stress I am put under? Do you think I felt good lying to all of you? Do you know the feeling of putting all of your interests above my pride and dignity?
Raine – I am sorry for the lies I have told you. I didn’t want you to get angry, so I rather kept it to myself. I know, be it a white lie or a lie with bad intentions, it’s still a lie. I am guilty as charged. Please don’t ever scold me anymore. It hurts, especially if it comes from my own girlfriend.
Jiawei – You are like the leading lady with the least dialog. I really hope you can take some actions yourself, instead of asking help from raine. Tell Cheeseng your feelings towards him, yourself. It will save everyone a lot of trouble. I have sent you a message through friendster yesterday, and which u replied, “Ok, I will settle it after my exams… So sorry to bring both of you so much troubles…” I hope I can wait that long. Best of luck for your exams.
Cheeseng – I have told you many stuff despite sub-consciously I know it’s wrong, because Raine had told me never to reveal any stuff to you. Sometimes when I said I have no information, I really mean it. Please don’t push me any further. You were my best friend, I treated you like one, I did you a favor.
I am sick and tired of being sandwiched in-between. I am sick and tired of trying to please everyone.
I had little friends, close to none, ever since I had folliculitis. Those memories of being taunted at for 5 years, is as clear as yesterday.
I wrote it all down. Please, don’t ever bother me about it again. I just want to recover from all my illness.
I have a lot bottled up inside me, and one blog entry isn’t enough to cough it all out. But that’s the peak of an iceberg.
I am at my weakest point right now, and I choose to write this down.
Food tempting ryte? hahas i was about to take a bite n Xuman said. STOP! take photo first..
all the photo below are took in train.. on the way there n on the way back.. Both!
